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荐书:Gregoire Sheila Wray, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky. 2021. The Great Sex Rescue : The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended. Grand Rapids Michigan: Baker Books a division of Baker Publishing Group.


此书调查了22,000位基督徒女性,讨论所谓“Purity Culture”对基督徒婚姻的影响。下面简单翻译一篇美亚的书评。然后是作者G.S. Wray的一篇博客文字。

This book is FANTASTIC and revolutionary. Sheila NAILS it, repeatedly, all over the place. I cannot recommend it highly enough for undoing all the terrible things we were taught about sex! 这本书非常精彩,具有革命性。希拉的写作令人影响深刻。强烈推荐这本书,因为它可以帮助我们理解许多被灌输的不正确性观念。

It’s like when we were first married, I was handed a lovely little box of beliefs, neatly packaged up in popular evangelical books. They said if I followed these beliefs, I would be the wife God wanted me to be and my husband would be happy and this was the perfect recipe for marital bliss. Well guess what? These beliefs can actually lead to pain, abuse, enabling addiction, stripping away personhood from women, viewing men as powerless to their urges, and basically just overall literal DISASTER. 就像我们刚结婚的时候,有人递给我一个可爱的信仰小盒子,整齐地包装在流行的福音派书籍中。他们说,如果我遵循这样的信仰,我就会成为上帝所希望我成为的妻子,我的丈夫就会幸福——这是婚姻幸福的完美秘诀。你猜怎么着?这些信念实际上会导致痛苦、虐待、使人上瘾、剥夺女性的人格、将男性理解为不能克制性冲动的人——基本上所有这套教导都是灾难性的。

In The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila, Rebecca & Joanna literally come to the Rescue and throw back the covers on all the mess: 在《性爱大救援》中,希拉、丽贝卡和乔安娜真的带来救援,理清了所有的混乱:

-Lies we’ve been fed in the most popular Christian sex & marriage books are uncovered, and exposed for what they are. 此书揭穿了某些最受欢迎的基督教“性与婚姻”书籍灌输给我们的谎言,暴露了它们的本质。
-The insanity of those beliefs and the broken logic that backfires horribly in marriage is called out. 揭露了这些信念背后的疯狂以及它们破碎的逻辑给婚姻带来的可怕反作用。
-Abuse is shown to be abuse instead of being excused continually. 此书直面虐待,而不是不断地要求原谅这样的恶行。
-Addiction is called what it is instead of being enabled, and they urge you to seek professional help. 成瘾就是成瘾,而不是什么可以允许的替代物。此书敦促你为自己的成瘾寻求专业帮助。
-Women are called people, deserving of care and basic human kindness. Women are spoken of as being worthy and valued, not merely objects to be used. 女人被称为人,应该得到照顾和基本的善待。女人有自己的价值,而不仅仅是被利用的对象。
-Men are called to be the men that Jesus sees them as and can empower them to be, not helpless. 按照耶稣的看法重新定义男人,赋能给他们,而不再视之为(对于性诱惑)无助的人。
-Men & women are pointed to Jesus instead of formulas that stereotype and paralyze us. 引导男人和女人定睛耶稣,而不是那些使我们刻板化、瘫痪我们能力的公式。


-you’ve ever read the popular Christian marriage books and they’ve sat wrong and you felt more hopeless afterward, like you were broken. 你曾经读过流行的基督教婚姻书籍,但因其错误的观念,你觉得更加失望,就像被打破了一样。
-you feel like you are merely an object in your marriage. 你觉得自己在婚姻中只是一个被利用的物体。
-you don’t enjoy sex or think that your body “just doesn’t work how it should”. 你无法享受性,或者认为自己的身体“哪里出现了故障”。
-if you have pain in sex. 在性方面颇觉苦恼。
-you believe that if you just try harder in your marriage, it will be better. If you give more sex, more happily, more enthusiastically, it will improve and he will be happier. 你相信如果在婚姻中更加努力,一切就会好起来。如果你付出更多的性爱,显得更快乐热情,事情就会改善,他就会更快乐。

If any of these resound with you, please snatch up this book as fast as you can!!! Maybe you will find that you were building on a broken foundation and no amount of fixing would ever produce the result you are looking for. But there’s a better way. There’s hope for something better. There’s hope for freedom and togetherness and mutuality and safety and pleasure and love where BOTH individuals matter and are allowed to have a say and be able to give willingly. 如果上面所说的某一点与你产生共鸣,请以最快的速度抢购这本书!!也许你会发现,你的世界建立在一个破碎的基础上,无论怎么修补都不会产生你所寻找的结果。但是我们有更好的方法。事情仍然有变好的希望。夫妻双方都可以盼望获得有意义的自由、合一、亲密感、安全感、快乐和爱,拥有发言权,可以自由地付出爱。

A few quotes: 简短引文:
-“Women are given a beautiful picture of shame-free, passionate sex but then are bombarded by dangerous teaching rampant in these same books: it’s her duty to give him sex when he asks, regardless of how she feels; sex is something he will take from her because he needs it so badly; all men lust, so she needs to do her part if she wants her husband to stay faithful. Our theology of sex has to go beyond the creation story in Genesis, of being naked and not ashamed, and encompass so much more.” “这些书教导女性没有羞耻地、充满激情的美丽性爱画面,但随后又极力用某种危险的教导攻击她们:当他提出要求时,不管她的感受如何,她都有责任给他性爱;性是他必须从她那里得到的满足,因为他非常需要它;所有男人都好色,所以如果她希望自己的丈夫保持忠诚,她需要完成自己当做的部分。我们的性神学必须超越《创世纪》中的创世故事(例如,赤身露体并不羞耻),包含更多的内容。”
-“When you are repeatedly told that you are not allowed to say no to sex and that what you need is less important than what your spouse needs, that is a deep rejection of you as a person.” “如果权威们反复教导你说,任何时候都不允许拒绝丈夫的性要求,你的需要不如你配偶的需要重要——这是对你这个人的深深拒绝。”
-“We needed to give people explicit permission to reject the aspect of the evangelical zeitgeist [beliefs] that were holding them back” “我们需要明确允许人们对福音派潮流[信仰]中阻碍他们成长的教导说不”
-“It is perfectly reasonable for a woman to expect her husband to live out his wedding vows. She isn’t being selfish. She isn’t failing to understand what it is to be a guy. She is standing on biblical principles.” “一个女人期望她的丈夫践行婚礼誓言是完全合理的。她并不自私。她并不是不理解什么是男人。她只是站在圣经的原则上。”
-“Not being able to look at a woman treats women like threats rather than people. And what do you do with threats? You neutralize them…Well, people treat lust the same – just get rid of the woman! Or at least tell them to cover up…. The irony is that by equating attraction with lust, we’ve boiled women down to their bodies, whether a man is avoiding her completely or lusting about her…. The key to defeating lust is not to avoid looking at women; it’s to actually see them.” “(一个男人)无法正眼看一个女人,总是把女人当作威胁,而不是当做另一个人。而你又是如何应当这种威胁呢?你需要消除威胁……好吧,人们对待情欲也是一样的——只要把女人赶走就好了!或者至少让她们遮掩一下。或者至少告诉她们应当掩饰一下…. 讽刺的是,将吸引力等同于情欲,我们已经将女人物化为身体,认为男人若不是完全避开她,就必定对她产生情欲….打败情欲的关键不是避免看女人,而是真正看到她们”。
-“God does not blame women for causing men to sin simply by existing” “上帝并不因为女人在场就责备她们勾引男人犯罪”
-“You don’t build a great sex life by telling a woman that unless she becomes wholly available to her husband in such a vulnerable way, he will betray her by turning to pornography.” “教导女人必须以这样容易受到伤害的方式无条件地满足丈夫的要求,否则他就会转向色情制品,背叛她,这样的方式不可能带来令人满意的性生活。”
-“Your experience matters. God gave you discernment. You’re allowed to use it. When you read something or hear something, you don’t need to believe it just because it came from a Christian leader. Look for Jesus in what they are saying, and if He is not there, discard it.” “你的感受很重要。上帝给了你辨别能力,供你使用。当你读到或听到某些教导时,不要单单因为它们来自某位基督教领袖就全盘接受。在他们所说的里面寻找耶稣,如果找不到,就抛弃它吧。”

I believe that in The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila, Joanna & Rebecca will bring light and hope to countless marriages where pain and defeat currently rule. 我相信,通过《性爱大救援》一书,希拉、乔安娜和丽贝卡将为目前无数痛苦失败的婚姻带来光明和希望。









– 丈夫行使控制权,并不在乎妻子的反应,虐待性的强奸。
– 丈夫可能没有完全意识到性生活中存在的胁迫性。


显然,她的姨妈在老家由父母包办婚姻,她发现自己在新婚之夜对性感到恐惧。当她尴尬而笨拙的农民丈夫(比她大20岁)把她带到他们的婚床上时,他 “把我的衣服剥光,在我自己的床上强奸了我。我挣扎和尖叫,但无济于事”. . . 她最后对侄女说:”就我而言,婚姻只是合法的强奸”。尽管人们可能会对可怜的玛蒂尔达阿姨和她同样不快乐的配偶感到同情,但这无疑是灌输到准新娘那易受影响的年轻心灵中的某种最不健康的概念。——Tim LaHaye 蒂姆-拉海伊,《The Act of Marriage 》(婚姻行为

请注意,蒂姆-拉海伊认为,那位在整个婚姻过程中不顾妻子踢打和尖叫,按住强奸妻子的丈夫与他的强奸受害者 “同样不快乐”。











提到哥林多前书第7章时,托尼评论说:”同意是一个关键词。如果他不同意[产后]六周才同房或每月一周[经期]暂停性生活,那么(女方)单方面把这一点强加给他,肯定不是出于丈夫的自愿。” 另一名男子也赞同他的观点:”怀孕后的禁欲和妻子月经期间的禁欲并不属于两相情愿,暂时分房,为要专心祷告。它是被迫的,因为有人对我们说,要让我们的妻子休息一下”。这些评论者认为,你需要双方同意才能说不,但显然你不需要双方同意才能说是。





让我们把这一点与妻子是丈夫唯一 “合法的性出口 “之说法结合起来。

正如道格-威尔逊(Doug Wilson)最近所说的,妻子是唯一合法的性出口。这是在福音派世界中常见的教导–妻子是唯一合适的地方,可以放你的情欲。因此,《每个男人的战斗》教导女性,当他戒掉色情时,你需要提供他所需要的所有性释放,这样他就不会犯罪。你要成为他的美沙酮。

在这种心态下,他利用自己的妻子来防止犯罪。事实上,上帝赐予婚姻的全部原因就是为了让男人不必在性方面犯罪(正如马克·德雷思科(Mark Driscoll)所说,现在他的阴茎有了一个家)。









  • The wife feels abused (and is being abused) 妻子感到被虐待(并且正在被虐待)。
  • The husband ignores the wife’s obvious distress 丈夫无视妻子的明显痛苦
  • The relationship is otherwise good 其他方面的关系很好
  • The husband thinks that this is what God wants 丈夫认为这是神所希望的








当你相信说 “不 “需要双方同意,而说 “是 “则不需要双方同意(因为上帝的同意才是最重要的);当你相信她是合法的性出口,上帝把她专门交给你使用,好让你不犯罪;当你相信上帝希望婚姻中经常发生性行为,并为做爱次数太少而感到不安——我们很容易看出,为什么夫妻双方都没有理解这是一种胁迫和婚内强奸。






  • If sex happens because he lectures her about not depriving him and uses 1 Corinthians 7 as an excuse to do what he is doing. 如果发生性行为是因为他以哥林多前书第7章为借口,教训她不要剥夺他的权利,并认为任何时候的婚内性交都是正当要求。
  • If he becomes angry, gives her the silent treatment, or treats her badly if they don’t have sex (Roughly 16% of our respondents said that their primary motivation for sex was to avoid something unpleasant, and 7% said it was to avoid him treating her badly). 如果如果他们不做爱,他就变得很生气,冷暴力,或者对她不好(大约16%的受访者说他们做爱的主要动机是为了避免不愉快的事情,7%说是为了避免他对她不好)。
  • If he embarrasses her in public less if she has sex with him 如果她和他发生性关系,他在公共场合就很少当众羞辱她
  • If he is nicer to the children and doesn’t yell at them as much if she has sex with him 如果她与他发生性关系,他就对孩子们更友好,不对他们大喊大叫
  • If he gives her access to money, groceries, or other things only if she has sex with him只有满足他的性要求,才可以得到零花钱、家用或其他东西
  • If he tells her that without sex he will lust at church, or at work, or use porn (Alyssa Wakefield told us in her podcast that she had to have sex every Sunday before church or her husband would lust). 如果他告诉她,不发生性关系,他就会在教堂里淫乱,或在工作中淫乱,或使用色情制品(Alyssa Wakefield在她的播客中告诉我们,她每周日去教堂前必须发生性关系,否则她的丈夫会犯淫乱罪)。


这种情况对婚姻来说是有毒的;对性生活来说是毒药;而且很容易导致她出现创伤后应激障碍(PTSD)、慢性健康问题、心理健康问题等。我们知道,长期遭受虐待的受害者更有可能出现某些慢性健康问题。见“The body keeps the score”(《身体记得一切》)。


他们可能认为自己了解耶稣,但并非如此。因为耶稣绝不会认为一个男人在妻子蜷缩成一团时与她 “做爱 “是好的,也不会赞成。耶稣永远不会告诉我们,一个强奸犯与他的强奸受害者同样不快乐。耶稣永远不会教导男人单纯利用女人来满足自己的欲望。事实上,耶稣从未赞成这样的说法。耶稣理解亲密关系。他创造的性爱是相互的、亲密的,对双方来说都是愉悦的,而不是作为控制欲望的工具和男人的权利。



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